6. EDGY

Well, that fucking sucked. I fought to keep my eyes open as I plugged in the coordinates to where we were going. We’d need more firepower to take her on again. A lot more. I then opened a menu to make a call, despite struggling to speak. As I was about to, Jeff brought me another ice pack. I placed it on my crotch. The ship made the call, and somebody answered almost instantly.

“HH Customs, my name is Helena. How can I help you?” A low and soothing female voice answered.

“Helena, you mean to tell me after all this time you don’t recognize this number?”

I heard her chuckle. “Of course, I recognize my favorite penguin customer.”

“Wait, are you saying you have other penguin customers?”

She laughed again. “A lady doesn’t kiss and tell. What can I do you for?”

“I need several custom guns, all designed to kill vampires.”

Helena paused. “Vampires, huh? That’s a new one. How exactly do you kill them?”

“BG, you’re up,” I said, between coughs.

Dr. BG stepped up and began explaining. Despite her flirty, playful tone, I didn’t have to see her to know she was jotting down everything. After BG gave her the crash course on killing vampires, she put us on hold for a moment.

“Oh man, she sounds kind of foxy,” Dr. BG said.

“She’s a harpy,” I replied while shoving clean napkins into the nares on the sides of my beak.

“Oh, well, that explains a lot.”

I looked at Todd. He was shivering and hugging himself. “You alright?”

“I-I’m fine.”

I couldn’t confront him because I was too exhausted. I grabbed an assortment of pain meds and ate them while waiting for Helena to come back. As Nina finished treating Jeff’s injuries, I heard a click.

“We’ll have something whipped up for you when you arrive.”

I checked the route through subspace; it would take us a long time to get there. I asked the doc how long we had: roughly six hours left before the deadline, but with medication he could give Todd more time. I told him to do it and let Helena know we were on our way.

“Looking forward to it,” she giggled as she ended the call.

“That move with the holy water grenade was a nice trick, but Thory will heal,” Nina said while checking Todd.

“Fucking hag wasn’t healing when she took off,” I said.

“Holy water blocks it, but she’ll override it by going to her lair. A vampire like that has a Blood Well.”

“What’s a Blood Well?” Jeff asked.

“Oh, it’s exactly what you think it is,” Dr. BG said. “Imagine a swimming pool, but take all the water out and replace it with fresh blood.”

“Aw, that’s nasty,” Jeff replied, grimacing.

Can’t say I blame Jeff for that. Didn’t sound pleasant at all.

“If she goes there, she’ll heal in a few hours,” Nina explained.

“And thanks to Todd, she’ll know where we are?” I asked.

BG nodded. “I’d put money on it. She’ll try to come after us.”

“Well, I’m gonna try to sleep off this headache,” I said. “Somebody wake me up when we’re close.” I finalized the coordinates and set the ship to autopilot.

Then I limped off to my room and collapsed on the bed. I considered contacting Hylus for help, but I doubted Shard had any agents in the region that could come back us up. That, and I hated asking him for help. Hopefully, with Helena coming through with the weapons, we could handle it ourselves. I don’t know how long I slept, but I woke up to a loud metallic scrape. I jolted awake and rose, upsetting my ribs. That’s when I noticed what happened.

A metal spike protruded from my pillow.

My eyes followed the shot’s trajectory. Todd was standing in the doorway with a smoking, shaky gun. There was something wrong with him. His eyes kept flickering from green to red, and his whole body twitched. He fought to keep the gun from aiming at me. Every time his eyes changed color, so did his aim. His face kept flipping between a state of panic and anger.

“Todd?!”

“I won’t miss a second time!” He warned, his voice a mixture of panic and rage.

I leaped out of bed. Not fast enough. Todd squeezed the trigger as I reached him, and I felt the spike pierce my arm. I screamed in pain and almost toppled over as I got in range. I hit Todd way harder than I meant to. Adrenaline is a bitch. I heard the crack, and then Todd went rigid and fell over.

“Son of a bitch!” I yelled in rage and pain.

My vision blurred. I took the gun and ejected the cylinder. Then I grabbed Todd by his head and dragged him to the bridge. Jeff was high as a kite and listening to some trippy mellow music. He stood up, demanding to know what had happened.

“Get the fucking cuffs and wake BG!” I growled as anger and adrenaline flooded my bloodstream.

Jeff said nothing and left. I grabbed the spike in my arm and yanked it out, not caring about the blood I was getting on my clothes or the floor. I bit down to keep from snarling. Todd sat up. I weighed hitting him again, but I feared I’d crack something if I did. I turned on the safety harness so it locked around his chest.

Todd’s eyes opened, and for a second, they were green. Then they turned crimson. He snarled and lunged at me like a zombie. The straps kept him down, but I didn’t know how long it would take him to realize he could undo them. He kept thrashing and snapping at me, but I was out of his reach. Then he looked down at the release button at the center of his chest. Before he could, I hit him again. I tried my best to hold back. He lurched over to one side, still awake but dazed as his face turned purple.

“Jeff, where the fuck are you!?” I shouted.

“Here!” He called as he came back with a pair of cuffs.

“Cuff his ass!”

Jeff didn’t hesitate as he saw Todd recovering. He grabbed his flippers and tied them behind his back. No way he would break those. Todd reawakened, still hissing and attempting to get out of that chair.

“That’s not good,” Dr. BG said, holding a box.

I glared at him while facing Todd. “Yeah, no shit.”

He placed the box on the counter and retrieved a syringe and a bottle. The liquid inside glowed piss yellow.

“This right here should snap him out of the trance.”

“Should?”

He winced and looked back at me. “I gotta level with you. I never had a clinical trial for this one.”

“Oh great,” I grumbled.

“Aw, it’ll be fine.”

He loaded the syringe into a dart gun and tagged Todd in the neck. He screamed and howled like we shot him in the dick. Within minutes, he collapsed in the chair as if sedated. Dr. BG sighed and pulled out a scanner to check him from range.

“He’s alive,” he looked at my bleeding arm. “We should get you checked out.”

Todd sprang to life again and howled. His eyes flashed red again, and then he fainted. Jeff had a six-pack of soda cans raised over his head.

“If he gets up again, I’m hitting him.”

Heeding Jeff’s threat, Todd sat up. “Ow!” he groaned.

“Are you back to normal?” Jeff asked, slightly lowering the six-pack.

“I…I think so,” Todd said. Then he noticed the bloody spike on the ground and the wound on my arm. “I’m so sorry! She was in my head! I felt like a puppet on strings!”

“Don’t worry about it.”

I told BG we needed to restrain Todd until we could kill Thory. Todd agreed with me and said he didn’t want to hurt anyone else. Nina volunteered to watch him while she treated my arm. The good news was Nina’s medi-gel accelerated healing. It would cut down the recovery time from a few months to a few weeks, but I wouldn’t get full use of my arm until it healed. Nina had me sling it for now. Facing an ancient vampire lord with only one functioning arm was not ideal, but we didn’t have a choice.

For the last two hours, I slept on the bridge. The seventh time the ship emerged from subspace, I woke up. We confronted a colossal ocean planet, nearly twice the volume of Jupiter. I could only see a few tiny pieces of land. The entire planet was one big ocean. A few rich people have made their own private islands and resorts here. This was Hydrus, but the planet wasn’t our destination.

Instead, the Vermillion turned towards one of the twelve moons. This one had an atmosphere and a dense forest waiting for us. Beyond that was a large river with massive rapids ending in a giant waterfall. Many waterfalls cascaded into a central pool, surrounded by patches of land. Sitting at the center of this was a reflective chrome dome. As we approached, the ship emerged. Water curtains cascaded off its surface, creating an impressive sight. My ship looked tiny by comparison as it continued to rise above us. It looked like a metal jellyfish to me. A door opened on the front of it, and guiding holograms spun up, letting us know we could land.

Dr. BG whistled. “Wow, that’s a fancy ship.”

“Yeah, makes it easy for her to get materials from space debris and asteroids. It also can burrow into things to hide,” I told him.

I brought the ship into the dock and activated the landing protocol. When we climbed out, a group of smoking hot harpies met us. The all-female harpy species almost entirely look like supermodels. In fact, most of their kind were pop musicians, models, actresses, or idols. To keep their species around, they have a very creepy ability. Their body converts their partner’s genetic material into harpy DNA after sex to make children. A metric fuck-ton of children, usually. They multiply like rabbits on crack.

Despite being dressed like mechanics and wearing appropriate attire, the ones we saw were still drop-dead gorgeous. They almost look like human women, except their feet are bird talons and they can sprout wings from their arms. The ears have small wings on them. They have short curving horns on the top of their heads, usually only two horns, sometimes four. Their hair is multicolored, with many patterns. They also like to paint markings on their faces around the eyes and forehead. We left Todd on the ship with Nina. Jeff and Dr. BG followed me. One harpy asked if I wanted them to refuel the ship. I told them to put it on my tab. Smiling, she told me she’d get on it before walking away. Jeff snuck a peek at her ass. I did too.

“Goddamn, these broads are fine. Where does Helena find all these babes?”

“Most of them are her sisters Jeff,” I told him, pretty sure we’ve had this conversation before.

“No shit!?”

“Yeah,” I replied.

We started for the elevator. Another harpy, wearing a tight short dress, awaited us. She smiled and selected the correct floor.

“Helena’s been ecstatic since you called,” the harpy said. “We haven’t been commissioned in weeks.”

Usually, when I stopped by, I was the only one there, but I knew she had other clients. One of them is a former friend of mine. Emphasis on former. I’m just glad we’ve never run into each other here. It would be a real shitshow if that happened, and I did not need two right now.

“I see you girls moved again.”

The harpy smiled. “We secured a deal on some rare materials for a project Helena is working on, so we’re here for now. I hope we stay longer. Perfect place to get a tan.”

If she hadn’t said anything, I doubt I would’ve noticed the tan. I couldn’t see a single obvious tan line. Jeff tried to talk to her. Her name was Alicia, and I couldn’t tell you if she was flirting back with Jeff or toying with him. Harpies are like that. When we got out of the elevator, she said goodbye. Her slow wave and big smile made me consider returning here for more than just guns.

Up the stairs, we came to a large, round area. From the dome’s peak, we saw the massive falls and the vast water body it fed into. Dr. BG smiled at the view; it was insanely beautiful. The enormous area had carpets, with multiple lounge chairs and couches around us. Three stations offered their services: a bar, a food counter, and Helena’s shop.

The hologram above her stand showed an animated logo and showcased her old commissions; many of them were mine. The minute she saw me, she grinned from ear to ear and gestured for me to come over.

Now, if every harpy I’ve seen is a twelve out of ten, Helena’s a certified twenty.

Helena had long gray hair, ear wings with dark to light purple feathers, light brown skin, and orange-gold eyes. She had purple horns and purple markings on her face. The wings on her arms had the same colors as her ear wings.

As she leaned over the counter, I finally appreciated my height because of what was at my eye level. Helena’s shirt exposed her stomach, so full mid-drift was on display, and I was beyond happy to see it after all the shit I had been through. She looked me up and down, and her lip curled into a sly smirk.

“What sort of wild fun have you gotten yourself into now?”

Jeff’s beak was open so wide I’m surprised it didn’t unhinge like a snake. Dr. BG stealthily pulled it up for him. Well, as stealthy as he could.

“Vampires, shootouts, explosions,” I answered.

“Hmm, so your usual,” she stood up and her wings vanished. “You’ll have to tell me all about it.”

She emerged from the counter, and I noticed her short shorts. I would have stayed longer if Todd wasn’t in a life-threatening situation. Jeff’s and BG’s faces told me they were thinking the same. She put a hand on her hip to taunt us while leaning to the side to highlight just how smoking hot she was. She could boil a pot of water with just her looks.

“If I could, I’d love to stay and tell you, but we’re in a rush.”

Her smirk only intensified as she bent over to look me in the eye. She wanted me to look somewhere else. As she got closer, I smelled her perfume. It had a faint scent that felt soothing, hypnotic, and energizing. It made you want to stay close to her.

“Aw, well, that’s too bad. I know a few things that might make your arm feel better.” Helena stood up. “I always love your crazy stories.” She then gestured with her head for us to follow her.

“Your handsome friend gave us a lot to work with. I think you’ll find what we came up with to your liking.”

I could tell BG was happy about being called handsome, especially by someone as fine as her. Helena put in the PIN and led us into the next room. I could hear guns going off as Helena’s sisters tested weapons at the different ranges. This place was pretty goddamn close to heaven for somebody like me. Hot women, and ridiculous amounts of firepower. What’s not to love? In the next chamber, we were at a range. We were on the other side of a glass wall. A big ass gun I couldn’t use with one hand rested beyond the glass. Another harpy sported white and black wings with red markings on her face. She had the same color eyes as Helena but with paler skin. She wore jeans, a hoodie, a crop top, a red baseball cap, and a pair of goggles. Helena opened a compartment on the wall and handed us some goggles.

“This is the first weapon we made. You’ll need those,” Helena smiled and put on goggles. We all followed her lead. “Jesse, show them the launcher.”

Jesse smiled, lifted the massive gun, and slid a disk into the side. Then she trained the gun on the dummies and pulled the trigger. I wasn’t expecting a spinning disk of insanely bright UV beams that incinerated whatever they composed the dummies of. After thirty seconds, the disk fell.

“Holy shit!” I said.

“We call it the blacklight launcher. You like?”

I couldn’t contain my smile. “Hell yeah!”

I felt Helena’s long nails tenderly brushing the nape of my neck. It had an instant calming effect, and I felt my body unwind a bit. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her lips curl up in a mocking grin. I was at war with myself over ignoring her taunts.

“Oh, don’t you worry, we have more.” She took her hand off my neck but put a finger on her lip. “Jesse, show them the second one.”

Jesse grabbed another gun. This one looked like a shotgun, except instead of normal metal balls in the shell, what came out were small telescopic serrated metal stakes.

The next thing they showed was three stake guns, each of them bulky but housing twelve-round magazines. They were also much nicer as the handguns and shotgun had premium-looking wood with a nice finish. Helena reached up over my head and pulled down a box. Upon opening it, I noticed two types of stakes. One type had a hollow interior, and there appeared to be an empty vial inserted.

“Darlin’, is that what I think it is?” BG asked.

She grinned and turned to him, leaning against the counter, and stretched her back. “I designed these stakes to inject vampires with holy water. We don’t have any here, but I’m sure you can get it.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I brought four gallons of the stuff.”

My brow raised. “Four gallons? Do they even sell holy water by the gallon?”

Dr. BG laughed. “You’d be surprised with what you can find at a Giga Mart.”

He wasn’t wrong about that one. Found a pretty sick bulk deal on anti-tank rounds once.

“Nice,” Jeff said.

“Is that everything?” I asked.

“It is. Why don’t you try them out?”

The launcher posed a problem; it was too heavy to lift with one hand. Thankfully, they gave me a harness with a controllable mechanical arm on the back to lift the gun, so my good arm was free to fire it. Shooting it felt more satisfying than observing someone else doing it. I grinned like a horny teenager seeing boobs for the first time.

“Helena, you have outdone yourself.”

She chuckled. “You know I aim to please, so I take it you’re satisfied?”

“Oh, yes.”

I only had one issue and it wasn’t her fault. Reloading the shotgun with only one arm was ridiculously difficult. Helena had the girls bring out several boxes of ammo for us. Unfortunately, she only had time to develop five disks for the blacklight launcher, so we’d have to be careful. She again if I had to go, and to say she was laying it on thick would be an understatement. As much as I would’ve loved to stay, and believe me when I say it was really fucking tempting, I had a friend to save. I paid for all the weapons. I suspect she gave me a discount because the bill was surprisingly light, especially on such short notice. We hurried back to the ship. Jeff seemed sad about leaving. Helena waved goodbye as we left.

“Damn dude, take me with you next time you come here. Holy shit, man,” Jeff demanded while elbowing me and waving back.

I remembered something and smirked. “You were drunk as fuck last time we came here.”
Jeff’s eyes widened in shock. “Oh.”

When we got back to the ship, I paid for the fuel and boarded. Todd sat in his chair while Nina fed him a cup of instant noodles.

“How’s he doing, Nina?” Jeff asked.

“He’s holding up for now.”

That was good news. We showed Nina the weapons at our disposal, and she smiled at them. She and BG began loading the special stakes with holy water. Again, he played his damn disco music. I pulled the Vermillion out of the dock, and we slowly exited the giant jellyfish-shaped craft. As I brought the ship high into the air, I took one last look at Helena’s ship and the giant beautiful waterfalls around it. I wondered if it would be a good idea to return after the job. I owed Helena one for that alleged discount and pulling this off on such short notice.

My arm erupted with pain. Releasing the controls, I grunted. I activated autopilot to leave the planet’s atmosphere and return to space. Then I went to get the pills Nina had given me. I returned to find Todd screaming. His glasses lay on the floor in front of him. Everyone leapt to their feet and stared down at him, astounded.

“What’s wrong?”

Todd stuck his beak into his shirt and started breathing into it; he was hyperventilating. He’s done this before while freaking out.

“Todd, you good man?” Jeff asked.

Todd’s breathing slowed. “I-I know where she is! I saw the planet’s coordinates on a computer in her lair!”

“Nice work Todd.” I moved to the console to put in the coordinates. “Alright, what is it?”

“TK-77-BZ-822-z-“

“Todd! Slow the fuck down. I can’t type that fast with one flipper!”

He said it again, slightly slower, and he still lost me, “Todd, I swear if you don’t slow down, I’m slapping the taste out of your mouth!”

Todd gulped. “S-sorry. TK-77-BZ-822-zeta-gamma-xi-omicron-B.”

As I typed in those coordinates, the star map showed us nothing. I thought I made a mistake, but additional information appeared on the screen. Based on the known nearby stars and the way their gravity worked, the computer deduced a planet was there. I climbed into the chair and locked in our destination. Five-hour trip. Leaving us with roughly one hour before Todd turned. Not a lot of time.

I threw the ship into subspace and turned around in my chair. “Todd, anything you can tell me about this place?”

“The entire planet’s full of thralls and vampires! She’s in a giant citadel in the center of the city. She’s about to enter the Blood Well.”

Dr. BG checked his blinged-out watch and started dancing in place again. “Aw man, this is about to be one wild Saturday night.”

Going by Universal Standard Time, he was right.

I snickered. “There are worse ways to spend a Saturday.”

Believe me, I know. I spent an entire weekend recovering from poison and parasites at one point. A lot of throwing up and mad dashes to the toilet. Destroying a city full of vampires sounded like my kind of night.

“Yeah!” BG sang in response, again summoning clones.